Death as a Teacher and Returning Home

Photo Credit: Soul Photography

Recently, one of my beloved Spiritual teachers, Qapel Doug Duncan, of twenty-five years left his body. He was a recognized Llama and profound teacher. The spiritual root of our lineage is through the illustrious Canadian-born Namgyal Rinpoche (George Dawson) and the Burmese meditation master U Thila Wunta Sayadaw. Most information can be found here at Clear Sky Retreat Centre.

Qapel’s sudden passing was a complete shock. And just like that, ‘he’s’ gone. In a way, it’s a bit of a magic act. In our tradition, the teaching is about ‘no-self’. We are just empty spacious luminous beings awakening. The importance of understanding impermanence and the illusion of the mind is paramount. When I do the practice and make sense of life in this way, it all feels perfectly imperfect and just as it should be, even for moments at a time.

Nonetheless, we are human, hence the struggle is viscerally real. Our organism is designed to feel deeply through the gateway of our senses and beyond. I felt such an immense sorrow for the loss of such an awake, wise, and humorous beacon of light in the world. Qapel gave so generously with the benefit of all beings purely intended in everything he taught or did for others. Also, he never ceased to say the hard stuff and show one their blind spots. It wasn’t usually candy coated, but it was the sweetest offering to one’s personal growth and conscious community.

The Sangha (spiritual community) from Clear Sky delivered Qapal’s body from Cranbrook, B.C., to ‘Return Home’ in Auburn, WA. It’s a green funeral home that is redefining death care through the highest level of family service and terramation, or human composting—a gentle process that returns loved ones to the earth as nutrient-rich soil. Just Wow!  This truly brings it all ‘home’, eh.

I had the great blessing of being a part of this tender process with beloved community to honor Qapel’s life, teachings, and to graciously say goodbye to the body. To be able to do this, gave us; an opportunity to grieve together, to honor the life he lived with gratitude, to partake in ceremony, to cry, laugh, sing, hug, and pray. Death is sacred and a most magnificent teacher! Even when we can’t see it that way.

I was not capable of understanding this when my son passed over just shy of age 4. I’m sure this may be similar for some of you and your heart strings that are/were pulled with the death of a loved one(s). Sometimes, there is great tragedy and trauma within our personal stories that can pull the veil over our beings for a while, like a blanket, so we can survive the situation. This too is a sacred and organic part of the process.

I feel called to share more intimately about my personal story and beloved Oliver. After a swim lesson at a residential pool, Oliver jumped on a table that was not attached to the wall. It was very heavy and fell on top of him. There was a lot of emergent chaos in between, but Oliver died in my Mama arms that day. A day that forever changed the course of my life and my family’s. I died too that day. That day on Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2016 at 1:25 PM.

Much of life’s realizations exist in hindsight in contemplation or insightful ‘aha’ moments. The deep effects of an experience can take no time at all to be actualized or more than a lifetime. There is no formula. However, the heart is a very intuitive roadmap and has become a trusted guide on my journey.

I am still integrating the blessing and raw experience of being with Qapal’s body. It was a teaching to the very end or is it a beginning? The liminal space is where I reside now. Here are a few reflections:

• The pain of loss, not just a person, shows us how much love is   

    present. The love of how much we learned, adored, and respected.

    Also, the value of moving forward for integrity’s sake. To not solidify

    our identity, especially with trauma, in a moment of tragic time.

• Everything we love, we will eventually lose! Everything single thing.

     How do we prepare and practice this every day?

• We must choose to make this human journey worth something that’s

     full of growth, purpose, and service. Even when we are scared and full   

     of fear, we can remember ‘the choice’ within and use it wisely.

• Being with the body helps heal a deep part of our grief and sorrow. If

     we don’t have this sacred opportunity, then we can do this through

     visualization. I did this to tend to a deep pain of not having the chance

     to be with Oliver’s body long enough. I visualized it how I wanted it to

     be. And it was so.

• Communing with others in ceremony and ritual is a primal need

     within us. The Ancient ways have messages of how to consciously live

     in today’s modern world to survive and thrive with the

     utmost love and collective care. ❤️ 

Thank you for reading my personal reflections on this potent experience. I hope that they have penetrated your heart in some way that serves you into your next becoming.

I encourage and support you to lean in, to investigate closely, and to choose wisely for living your life fully may depend on it. And when it's time, may we 'return home' with grace knowing we loved fiercely and did our very best. 🦉

If you or somebody you know is in need of creative grief support, you can book a discovery call or an in-person/virtual appt. here

"May you transform each obstacle into your heart medicine"

Truly, Kylee

Grief Doula | Owner of Sacred Dwelling